It's for Him, and for her.

4.30 pm : Gleefully boots up Civ 5 demo. Rubs hands and cackles madly.

4. 45 pm : Establishes second city, trashes the  “great” Egyptian empire around. Laughs out loud.

5.00 pm : Gets catapults, sweating it out with Alexander the Great. Grits teeth.

5.15 pm : Frowns. Germany just overtook me.

5.17 pm: Game hits hundred turns. Cheerful splash page announcing game’s features and awesomeness comes out. Price: 79.95AUD

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH

I’ve been thinking a lot in the shower lately (YES, I think a lot in the shower)

I’ll admit bluntly here. Part of me wanted to come Australia because it was a much needed break from life. Part of me wanted to experience something new. Part of me just wanted time away from everyone I knew.

MOST of me came here because I was running from FEAR.

The thing is about getting into advertising, it’s a scathing process that only the tough can traverse. You get told off that your work isn’t good enough, that you need improvement, and that maybe you should go to award school. I ran away from my life in Malaysia because I could not face these fears imposed against me.

BEST. DECISION. EVER.

I REPEAT.

BEST DECISION EVAAAAAAH.

Ever since coming here, I had a hard time adjusting to living with myself. I just got out of a job that pays and thus my mind was still stuck on the mindset of spending because a paycheck would come in the next month (Yes I should really learn how to budget). But that was settled easily, the biggest problem I had was instead, the biggest problem I face my entire life.

I didn’t know how to choose my friends.

It’s not that I mixed with the wrong crowd and got into trouble. The people at Albert House are like, really nice people (everyone has issues, but otherwise, nice people). Instead, I was stuck in a paradox of befriending people I had nothing in common with. I would channel all my soul and spirit into these friendships, only to find them gone after holidays. Let’s face it. I’m in Uni and these guys are in College. We both work at different paces and they work together with their peers while I’m stuck with my uni work. MISERY ENSUES.

Then the best thing happened to me. Ern asked me to church.

I made the decision that day. God put into my heart a calling. I answered.

A few days later, I couldn’t remember when, God gave me a revelation. I stopped trying to be who I wasn’t. It’s a little bit hard to explain, but I felt I could relate more with Matthew and Ui Kee, both studying in RMIT and usually spend their time downstairs. So I moved from my miserable room and to downstairs.

I’m happier then ever.

And another thing is. And this is also my main thought to write this. Ever since I accepted Jesus as my savior, I felt like God has continuously guided me throughout my journey as a young Christian. Ever question I had in my mind, was answered through sermon or by revelation (in the shower, sometimes outside, haha). Then came the time in camp, when I felt the Holy Spirit touch me, and the doubt that came afterwards (Was it really Him?) and then, a revelation that hit me - These doubts are lies from the enemy, lies told to try and pry you away from the loving embrace of Christ.This can be no other then the Holy Spirit talking to me.

The feeling of fear is almost gone as well. Whenever I have the feeling resurface, a prayer to God kills it. Good riddance. :)

I have to admit, I have never felt this blessed in my life before. And tonight my fellowship in Urban Life (cell group I presume, to others) have told me what they thought were my gifts. Among those mentioned were :

1) A man hungry for God, a Pursuer.

2) They can see me bringing more people to Christ.

3) I’m a good Servant that gives everything to God.

4) And this, coming from Matt :”I think you have a Pastoral Aura” HAHAHA. Love it!

I’m really really happy with what they told me. These are weapons given to me, to fight anything the enemy throws towards me. All of us have the anointing to be Fighters in faith.

Fight I will. Forever.

PS: Awesome pic right? Choose it because it matches with the rustic Australian outback look. Hahaha.

Rant begins :

“Stop it. Stop it I tell you. Your actions, your reactions, if they do not express what you really mean, stop it. I don’t want to keep thinking I’m making progress, and that someday, I’ll get there.

If you don’t have feelings please don’t give me hope. Thoughts of you hover in my head constantly, and I don’t want that. God should be my first thought. God, I pray He gives me answers.”

For once, I wish she’ll make up her mind. For once, if she really does not feel it then stop pretending and advancing. Stop making me pull up my defenses birthed from hurt which I’ve tried hard to pull down with the strength of God. Stop it.

If you don;t have sincerity in your heart, if your intention is to just play, then I beg of you please stop. I like you, I like stuff about you regardless of good or bad, I love the good, bad, normal and awkward sides of your personality. I want this to happen, but know that I do not intend to play. Know I don’t look for flings.

Know that I only look for an open door into your heart, which I can enter and shut behind me.

It’s not enough. I want more. I will do more. I want more of you Jesus…